Mo' Jo

2003-10-25T10:15:00.000-07:00

Moving

This blog is moving here. The new site will be dusty with construction for a while. :)

2003-10-24T09:21:00.000-07:00

Circumcision

I’ve been participating in a thread regarding circumcision. I typically don’t participate in them; it would be hypocritical for me to do so. I believe one way (against routine infant circumcision) but did another.

5 years ago, I was researching this topic. Yes, I realize have an 8 year old son, but I didn’t know circumcision was a choice, an issue or something that required research. It was a given that we would circumcise him. I began researching because I was pregnant.

I wasn’t online during this time, so my research was in articles, books and in person. My husband’s 17 year old son was living with us.

It wasn’t a pretty, smooth or happy time in our home. I felt increasingly uncomfortable with circumcising our child. DH remained adamantly for it. He came from a place that was so deep, so heartfelt that it had an element and dimension I’ve not seen before or since.

This, from a man who supported and trusted me in terms of co sleeping, “extended” nursing, homebirth, vaccine choice and absolutely no sleep training. He even refrained from (too many) comments regarding my dietary changes. ;)

After many discussions, tears, and fights, I submitted that if we had a boy, we’d circumcise him. I then researched the best way to do that, and that’s what we did. My youngest son was circumcised by a mohel who is also a medical doctor, on the 8th day.

From a spiritual standpoint, I had to pray that I would not hate my husband, that I would not resent him and that I would not break down in tears every time I changed a diaper. I prayed for peace for both Mike and I and I prayed for safety for my son.

I soon got online at alternative communities. I saw many threads about circumcision that completely tore at my heart. I saw suggestions that moms who “gave in” were horrible mothers, fathers who believed in circumcision were wusses and shallow. I saw moms claim they would leave marriage over the issue and/or not have another child due to the issue.

What I have not seen, however, is an honest look at “the other side”. I do not believe that RIC is necessary, medically or otherwise. I think the overwhelming majority of stories where boys had to be circed at a later age are due to the fact that we live in a culture that still uses RIC. When a culture circs, circ becomes an easy option. When a culture circs, care of an intact penis (which is basically: do nothing) is not known.

I’ve read how men/fathers/husbands think with their penises, are selfish, and are immature. But, I’ve not seen an honest appraisal and mention of the fact that we live in a culture that *does* RIC.

My DH is going on 53 (sh! He’s convinced Larsen he stays 49). My DH grew up in a culture of RIC. He knows, in a deep way, the emotional experience of being a boy/man in our culture. He knows it in a way that I never will, never can. The truth is that penises matter among boys/men. How they look, their size, their shape. And, the truth is that it’s not “just” cosmetic. Experiences around such issues shape our boys/men.

When I was researching this issue, I had a book in the van about “40 Reasons to Not Circumcise Your Son”. My stepson took the van during this time and one of his (average, normal) 17 year old male friends found the book. Apparently the boys literally *tortured* my stepson emotionally all night long and for some time afterward. My step son is circed; it was the fact that his step mom had a book about it and was considering leaving her unborn son intact. This was in 1998. It hardly helped my assertion that the culture around intact penises was changing.

I wish we didn’t live in a culture that “needs” books like 40 Reasons to Not Circumcise. But, we do. And until the time that we don’t, I suggest we stop emasculating our men, husbands and fathers of our children.

If/when they react vehemently or even mildly to the suggestion that we leave our sons intact, let’s not dismiss them. Let’s not discount them. Let’s not condescend to them. Let’s not assume they are wrong.

Instead, let’s assume both sides are right. RIC is unnecessary, painful and cruel. Circumcision in a culture where RIC has been practiced for generations is understandably something families consider.

I’ve gotten plenty of incredulous “didn’t your DH want what is best for your son” questions over the years. The answer is: Yes. Yes, he did. We both did and still do. And, we were both “right” although we were on polar opposites regarding the issue. My DH wanted to circumcise our son *because* he wanted what was best – and my DH had an understanding of the issue that I never will. I had an objectivity he will never have but I’ve stopped assuming my objectivity was better than his coming from his men’s heart.

Does this mean that we should bow to cultural customs in our decisions? No. But, it does mean that we should include them as part of our decision making process. And it certainly means that we do not have to emotionally castrate our men who believe circumcision is best.

2003-10-24T05:47:00.000-07:00

WAH!

Recently, I read a thread about a 2 year old throwing a fit in a public place. The description of the fit seemed like a manipulative fit rather than an overwhelmed meltdown. Although I’d remove my child regardless of the origin. I read post after posts of (AP) moms who basically felt that other people in public places would have to “put up with” the “normal and age appropriate” behavior of their 2 year old.

My kids are past the AP tool years. I've been an active member of the online and IRL AP/alternative/natural parenting community for 8 years. I've seen and talked to hundreds of AP families.

During those years, I’ve seen AP either blamed or credited for the personality of the child. Some AP advocates are convinced AP creates kind, secure, happy babies and children. Critics claim it creates needy, self centered, out of control children. In reality, AP doesn't create any particular kind of child. It can soften the edges of some children, but in general, it neither creates nor prevents a brat.

I have to be honest and say that I have seen a significant percentage of permissiveness in the AP community. I think what happens is that after breastfeeding, co sleeping and slings are no longer sufficient to respond to the needs of a baby, we need an approach and a variety of discipline tools. Some parents get those tools, some do not. Some reject the need for discipline outright.

AP doesn't come with a discipline approach. Although I feel positive discipline flows naturally from an AP mindset, AP families don’t have a cohesive philosophy or paradigm for real discipline issues. I have seen neglect, abuse and everything in between in AP families.

I think we need to be careful to not be passive when our children need discipline. Age appropriate (a 2 year old throwing a fit) doesn't mean appropriate. ;) They need limits, rules and action. And while “the public” does need to be accommodating to the fact that children *are* children, parents also need to be responsive to the fact that “the public” should not have to listen to a screaming 2 year old.

Keeping in mind that I don't advocate punishment *at all*, I find that my standards of behavior for my children are very high.

2003-09-27T15:56:00.000-07:00

To Everything there is a Season

I just posted an introduction online. Over the years, I must have written a hundred or so of them. This one, however, was the first in which I didn't add that I was an attachment parent or somewhere on the "natural parenting" scale. No initials after my name: Joanne, CDing, S/D vax, HBing, ENing, NSing mom of 3. Nope - I didn't include any of that.

It's a function, I suppose, of several things. The ages of my kids being one. Although I know people feel differently, I think AP is largely a set of tools for babies and toddlers. While I think positive discipline flows naturally out of AP; it's not an inherent part.

I'm less defined by the AP-ness of my life. Although I that has been replaced largely by homeschooling. :)

I'm past the diapering, vaxing, birthing years. I'm nearly past the nursing and co-sleeping years. But, more importantly, I'm past the need to assert those choices aggressively or even proactively. I'm absolutely comfortable with those choices. Thrilled to have had the information to make them.

But, it's strange to be past the intensity of them.

Signed,

Joanne, homeschooling mom to 3 great kids. I like to read and watch decorating shows.

2003-09-11T16:26:00.000-07:00

A Good Article on a Sad Topic

Here is one to send to Babywise or GKGW parents who are willing to read something outside of the cult.

2003-09-11T14:31:00.000-07:00

Article the will be a chapter

I was asked by an author to combine my "How I stopped Yelling" and "How I became a Grace Based Parent" articles for her new book. Here is the result.

“God doesn’t call the equipped. He equips the called”. These words have been very present in my mind lately. They reflect accurately my journey towards becoming a grace based parent. Although I had a vague idea that I wanted a good, positive relationship with my children, I had few actual skills and resources to get there. I managed the infant months quite well. But when challenging, tiring and tedious toddler behavior began, I found myself increasingly at a loss.

I had prayerfully decided that spanking didn’t make sense for me and my children. With my husband’s support of this choice, I used the oft suggested “time out” in its place. Dutifully, I’d pick up my son, and place him on his bed for “time out” in response to inappropriate behavior. It didn’t seem to work. I re-considered spanking. I even used spanking on occasion. I was consistent, steadfast and diligent. I was also miserable. So was Andrew and he didn’t seem to be learning better behavior. Our enjoyment of our days decreased and frustration on both sides grew. I determined that spanking and time-out made my son act worse, not better. I felt I could not use time out more often or for longer as he was only two. As for spanking, even if it felt right to me, what was I supposed to do? Spank more? Spank harder?

One day, I looked desperately at my son and asked him “How can we make this better? What is the matter”? My brilliant 2 year old took my hand and walked me upstairs to his room. He proceeded to make the baby sign for “scared”. Scared? It was like an epiphany! He was not learning anything helpful or positive by my spanking him or putting him in time out. He was not thinking about what he had done wrong. He was just plain scared! Being alone or isolated was too stressful for him. I realized a scared, stressed child was not the best frame of mind to learn, to grow, or to do better. There had to be a better way.

At my point of surrender I prayed, and God led me to discover positive discipline- a kind, respectful and firm approach to discipline. As I began my journey from punitive to positive parenting, I read a lot of books. I surfed the internet. I watched. I experimented and I tried. I did great, and I failed at times, but Andrew started to feel better and act better. Overall, I was starting to feel good about my mothering. Until one day, I realized that I had fallen into another parenting black hole.

Although I had given up punishment, I had not yet developed many positive parenting skills of what to do instead. I thought that since I was not hitting, I was doing okay, but I had replaced hitting and time-out with yelling.

It’s humbling to admit that I didn’t realize my yelling was “that” bad. Nor did I realize how often and how loud I was yelling, until a friend who cared enough to tell the truth did just that. She told me my home sounded like her childhood home and though I was not yelling anything mean or shameful, my kids were still being affected by it.

I knew deep, deep down that she was right. I knew I needed help and support. I asked my dear friend if she would provide accountability in terms of yelling and 7 years later, she still asks me how I’m doing!

Positive parenting is not easy, nor is it for lazy parents. I discovered that to train my kids, I needed to be active, firm and quick. I learned to follow each command with action. “It’s time to go now” was followed with me steering my child towards his shoes. “It’s time to brush your teeth” was followed with handing my child his toothbrush. This rule became known as “Say it once and act” or “Joanne’s get-off-your-bottom rule” and it was very effective. It taught my kids that my words meant business. Eventually, of course, I didn’t need to “act” and my kids obeyed my words alone.

As my discipline approach matured and grew, I began to take a more proactive approach by incorporating Biblical character studies into our days. Additionally, discovering my children’s love languages, and studying their temperaments has provided me with understanding and direction in disciplining them.

My biggest fear, that non-punished children would become miserable to be around, never came to fruition. Instead, I found that graced based discipline is comprehensive and effective. My children are still a challenge, but they are cooperative, kind, and obedient. Our days are fun and organized. Establishing a routine proved to be a vital and wonderful discipline tool for me. It both minimized and prevented struggles.

Now discipline situations are not feared or stressed over. They present an opportunity to teach, to learn, and to connect. I’ve found that instead of breaking the trust and bond in our relationship, positive grace based discipline has enhanced it.

2003-09-08T04:15:00.000-07:00

This Is It

I'm done being a woman of *this* size. More power to big women who are completely comfortable in "plus" sizes. I'm not.

I'm ready to lose the pounds that I don't need to carry anymore. More importantly, though, is that I'm ready to not have the bad eating habits that got me here.

I've danced with diets before. This time, I've settled on the South Beach Diet. I read about it a while back and recently finished the book.

It combines the best of "both worlds" in diet philosophy. It's not as extreme as some of the low carb regimins (although I fully believe some people need and thrive on them). Nor is it "Weight Watchers" - where I gained weight staying within points.

In my short lived diet experiments, I did discover that I need a low(er) carb diet-style. I need a significant amount of concentrated, meat based protein in order to be a non screaming maniac. :) I need, also, to avoid grains to a large degree.

Today is day one. Until I decide what to do with this blog, I'm going to post here about it.

Breakfast:

V-8, 6 oz can of lower sodium juice
2 veggie quiche cups

2003-08-30T07:51:00.000-07:00

Raising Your Spirited Child

I read this article.

I wrote this response:

Your review of the book Raising Your Spirited Child is a poor one. It's widely popular because it offers answers and strategies to parents whose children fit Kurcinka's descriptions. It's usefulness is progressive; it's not a book meant to be read and then put on a shelf to gather dust. It supports a very active, involved parenting that must be refined and revisited often as the child grows.

I'll not address the ADD issue direct except to say that in your passion to be of support to ADD effected children and family members, you have lost the ability to be objective. You do not acknowledge the fact that some challenging children are in fact not ADD.

I find it unsettling that you dismiss and disparage the work and research that has proven to help thousands of families.

Kurcinka's book is an awesome resource; it's not a panacea and it's not presented as one. She encourages seeking outside medical evaluation and she gives some guidelines as to when that might be needed.

Joanne

I kept it short, because otherwise I would have submitted my manuscript. ;) The more I think about it (which is too much, really) the more irritated I get with the author of the article. Her bias is apparent in very line of her article. RYSC is a book that can help the family of any "more" child, including ADD ones (whatever the real percentage is). RYSC calls parents out of passivity and into action.

2003-08-27T21:07:00.000-07:00

Real World

I had the opportunity to answer the "real world" question (yet again) about reward/punishment in child rearing:

Ah, yes the "real world" arguement. My children are *in* the real world. Fortunately for all involved, I am not the police, the judge, the IRS, the government or the boss who pays them. I am their parent. I do not need to make my parenting decisions based on a relationship between adults in the real world.

The reward/punishment paradigm (aka behavior modification) can "work". However, I find its usefulness limited and it's motive creepy. I expect my kids to behave because it's the right thing. Not because they will get arbitrarily punished if they don't or rewarded if they do.

Many children parented outside the reward/punishment paradigm *are* in fact disciplined and held to a high standard. They are held accountable, develop self control and grow in accountability. I just see no reason to withold game boy or offer a lolipop in order to teach good behavior in the long term.

Lack of arbitrary punishment as a child does not equal permissivenss.

2003-08-13T19:40:00.000-07:00

Harumph.

I took this quiz. Here are my results:

Rosanne Connor: You are Roseanne Connor from
Roseanne. You've probably got a sarcastic
streak, and you may take some pleasure in
embarrassing your brood. But ultimately, your
kids know that when they really, really, really
need to talk about something, you will
listen...eventually. Truth is, you tend to see
things from their points of view; you just
don't like to let them in on that until
necessary. That's your little secret. And while
it may not be your style (or fit your schedule)
to compulsively whip up a batch of chocolate
chip cookies, if your kids want to microwave
some popcorn and watch TV with you, there's
always room on the couch, and even on your lap

Which TV Mom are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

2003-07-28T21:25:00.000-07:00

Looking for something to make you smile?

Here.

2003-07-25T08:05:00.000-07:00

Larsen, this morning

My daughter: Animals are lucky. Their dads don't have to go to work, so they get to be with their dads all the time.

I'm not sure whether to post a sad or smiley face. I'm also not sure whether hearing it will make our ever travelling dad happy or sad.

2003-07-16T07:04:00.000-07:00

Creep

John Rosemond wrote a response to a concerned grandmother.

"America's Number 1 Parenting Expert" has seized an opportunity to assert his unsubstantiated, biased views and missed an opportunity to teach the concerned grandma some boundaries.

Co-sleeping is neither proven harmful *nor* superior to other sleeping choices. It's simply a sleeping choice and offers little in terms of being able to predict the temperment of the child in the present or future.

Despite repetitive assertions that attachment practices are harmful, Rosemond has yet to prove it. Although he takes every opportunity to bash AP, and in fact creates those opporunities, he has no real basis on which to rest his claims.

I share something in common with Rosemond. I despise permissive parenting as well. Happily, attachment parenting and positive discipline are not permissive. And, fortunately for the children raised with AP and PD, they create a joyful, boundaried, thriving, loving home.

What *I* would have said to concerned Grandma:

Dear Grandma,

Your love and concern for all involved is evident. Offer to take the older child to the park for a couple of hours once or twice a week. Go grocery shopping with or for the young family. Help with dishes, laundry and other basic household chores.

And please forward my email address to the young family so I can help them. I'd like to tell them that parenting choices are on a need to know basis and most people, including g'ma, don't need to know the details and specifics of parenting choices. I'd teach them about bean dip. ;)

2003-07-15T14:59:00.000-07:00

Love Them Regardless

“Love is a verb”. What does that mean, exactly? We’ve heard it before, read it before, listened to sermons on it and maybe even offered it as advice. But what does it look like in family life?

It means loving them no matter what they do. More specifically, it means *not* withdrawing signs of love when a loved one does something that angers, saddens, disappoints or frustrates you.

You love a toddler *regardless” when they use the 45 seconds it took you to let out the dogs to find the eggs in the fridge and create art on the floor. How do you love them in that moment? Hand them a towel (whether or not they can actually *clean* is beside the point). When you are both on the floor cleaning and the child “tests” you with a game or smile – play and smile. They aren’t trying to get away with anything. They are asking “do you love me?” The answer needs to be yes! And, don’t worry that your smile or game will reinforce the egg-art behavior. It will, however, reinforce your child feeling secure in your love.

You love your spouse *regardless* when the night after a discussion, you serve coffee the same way you do every morning. You love him by allowing normal conversation. You love him by not withholding your kind interaction.

You love your ‘tween *regardless* when you keep a commitment you made to them, even though they embarrassed you in public. You love them by not taking away the aspects of your relationship that “work”. You show them your love is steadfast.

You love them regardless because taking away the love won’t make them behave the way you want, anyway. It will punish them, but it won’t encourage them. It will affect them, but it won’t convict them. It will sadden and scare them but it won’t strengthen your relationship.

Love Them Extremely

Loving them regardless isn’t about a lack of healthy boundaries. In extreme situations, we can often still love them. If an addict child is destructive and violent, they need to leave your home. But you can love them by taking them to lunch and being with them until/if the verbal abuse starts.

Loving your spouse extremely means rubbing his feet at night, even though he looked at porn on the computer the night before.

Loving your teen extremely means you include him in Sunday activities after church even though he’s refused to ever go to church again.

My suggestions for loving family aren’t based on some new-age psychobabble. They are based on the Bible. They are modeled after God’s own love for us. He never withholds his comfort, affection, desire for time with us and counsel in spite of our sin. He speaks His mind while at the same time maintains the actions of His love.

We need to love them regardless and extremely because we are called to and equipped to. Don’t feel like it? Don’t think you can? What can you do? Can you offer lunch, bake cookies, pat a head, rub a back, make a phone call? Do what you can. The *act* of loving precedes the feeling.

I’m convinced that one reason people don’t run to God is that it’s unfathomable how God can love regardless and extremely. It’s seldom modeled for us or experienced on earth.

Love them regardless and extremely because God calls us to and equips us. In Him, we love, through Him, we give.

2003-06-30T21:11:00.000-07:00

Weapon Play

I was not going to allow pretend guns for my child. Never. Of course, when my first pregnancy test came up with 2 lines, I was still a raging feminist. Convinced, I was, that gender was nurture. ;)

My (veteran of foreign war) DH humored me. We compromised. I told my DH that I would not "freak out" if my son wanted to make weapons out of sticks (as my DH assured me he would want to do). I also relented; I would not prohibit my son from playing with boys who wanted to use pretend weapons.

I was certain, though, and smug. With my unisex, gender neutral environment, my son would surely prefer making a diorama to raging war. :)

Then, at an (unenlightened) friend's house, my son got his chubby little preschool hands on a pretend gun. And played with an edge that was palpable and weird and icky. In that moment, I knew I needed to either *completely* ban weapon play or *completely* allow it. The next day, I honored that mother's voice. We went to Toys R Us and got our first pretend gun.

My son played with it exclusively for 2 days. And then it became a proportionately appropriate prop to help kill the deer, find the bad guy and process the heady subjects of power, control, war, peace, good and evil.

I watched that son (now 8), his friend (6) and my youngest (4.5) play with pretend weapons today. They played a wonderful, imaginative, creative and complex game in the backyard.

I've come to see weapon play (and guns are certainly not the only or even best way to provide it) as a *need*. I've come to see my uneasiness with it as both a gender, and adult, a controlling and a non issue. My son(s) do not bring to weapon play the baggage I do. And, they don't emerge from weapon play with the attitude I feared (and felt certain) they would.

In my home, you'll find a variety of toys that help my children move, think, play, dream and thrive.

2003-06-28T09:58:00.000-07:00

Separation for Sale

The space between mother and child is available for profit. Our culture has made a business out of putting space between mother and child. This has become so pervasive that we have been indoctrinated. Our culture assumes the validity that “mom must get away” and that “independence is a goal to be achieved as quickly as possible”. Baby must sleep through the night, not use mom as a pacifier, be left with grandma.

Walk into a Babies R Us or a similar store. 80% of the products are designed to put *space* between mother and child. Cribs, bottles, swings, play gyms, play pens, exersaucers, mommy bears, pacifiers……..While I agree these can be tools, I disagree with our cultures assumption that these tools are harmless. I think they have a potential to snowball.

Here’s my truth. I never separated from my babies. And, 3 babies and 8 years into parenting, I have no regrets. My kids have not suffered. My marriage has not suffered. Society has not suffered.

I won’t go as far as to assert that attachment parented children are *more* secure, *more healthy* or *more centered*. But I do take great offense at the assumption that early, regular separation from babies and young children is a need, is good or is something to work towards.

Mothering little ones is a season in my life. As intense as that season is, it’s a short one. My nursed forever, co sleeping, in the slinged babies are now 8, 6.5 and 4.5. They varied widely in terms of ability to separate from me. Now, however, they all thrive in situations where it is appropriate for all concerned that we be apart.

2003-06-13T07:14:00.000-07:00

Realizations of An Attachment Parent

Fortunately, life has matured me. ;)

I started my parenting journey as a committed attachment/alternative somewhat natural parent. I got involved with the online and IRL community that made similar choices.

I offered hugs and support and rants when an AP mom was criticized as being permissive. I got angry when people were told by friends and relatives that they needed to wean, spank, limit nursing and use a curriculum. I didn't want to believe that AP/alternative/natural parenting had any inherent faults.

But, as the years have gone by, I've realized a few things. One is that parents who are permissive are more likely to be attracted to AP parenting. As such, the AP community will have a higher percentage of permissive parents. Also, adult children recovering from difficult childhood are likely to swing in the opposite direction and make parenting choices based on "not doing what was done to me" instead of doing what's *best*.

I'll admit it, now. I think many people who have said the children of AP parents they know are wild, out of control and obnoxious were right about their observation. I admit that parents who say "I know a non spanking family and they have the worst kids I've even seen" can be saying the truth.

If an adult's experience and exposure to AP/alternative and natural choices is limited to families where permissiveness reigns, they conclude that AP is permissive. Today, I understand that.

I also have the experience and wisdom to know that AP is not inherently permissive but that how some parents use it *is*.

Take, for example, co-sleeping. A few years ago, I would have defending co-sleeping as never permissive. Now, I've seen co-sleeping manifest in some families in ways that *are* permissive. That doesn't make co-sleeping permissive or wrong. A parent who co-sleeps (or continues to co-sleep even when they are done with that stage) because they are afraid of their child's feelings, or making their child uncomfortable is permissive. That parent is not doing themselves, that child or ultimately society any favors.

Take extended nursing, or even not-so-extended nursing. It's not, IME, permissive at all. Yet, I see aspects of permissiveness manifest in the breastfeeding relationship often. Acrobatic nursing children allowed to twist, turn and torture. Older toddlers who are allowed to "ask" to nurse by clawing and pawing mom's shirt.

I've also realized that an older nursling *can* ask to nurse "too much". Some children's personalities are such that they need firm limits everywhere (some can handle more flexibility without becoming out of control). Those children need to be limited in nursing as much as they need to be limited TV and candy.

Take unschooling, for example. I think unschooling *can* be and is a legitimate choice. But, if it's made because the parent lacks structure, firmness or is child centered, then unschooling becomes permissive.

Speaking of child centeredness, I also found in the AP community a high level of acceptance that normal, acceptable standards of homemaking can be dropped so that Mom can focus all day on children. I think honoring children's *needs* while maintaining an orderly home is not only possible, but desirable.

I'd like to apologize. To those who over the years I've passionately and blindly defending my parenting choices, I'm sorry. I didn't *see* what you did and didn't want to admit that something I strongly held as right in my mother's heart could be a breeding ground for dysfunction.

And for those who still believe AP is, in and of itself permissive, happily, you are wrong. I've seen is work in many wonderful, boundaried, thriving homes.

2003-05-03T08:25:00.000-07:00

A Provocative Dilemma

When we moved to Houston, we moved into a home that had been owned by very patriotic, very Texan people. Some of the stones in my back walkway, for example, are in the shape of Texas. :)

There was also a large, conspicuous American Flag in a tree out front. The former owners of the home left it here. More houses than not have a patriotic symbol in this neighborhood.

We've left the flag up, but I've spent some time thinking about it. Had it not been there, Mike and I would not have gone out and bought one. Even when the war happened, we are just not the types to get a flag. It's not that we are unpatriotic. Mike is a Viet Nam vet. 30 years ago, he was unable to stand during the Star Spangled Banner. Today, he cries while singing "I'm proud to be an American".

What if we were the types to *not* want a flag displayed? How would taking an American Flag *down* in Texas have gone over? Would it have gone unnoticed? Would it have been noted, discussed and evaluated? Would it have affected my children's entry into the neighborhood dynamics?

In an indirect yet coercive non action, the former owners presented us with an interesting situation.

2003-04-25T09:04:00.000-07:00

Homeschooling Advocacy

Here is an article written by a public school teacher.

Here is my response, emailed to her:

I just finished reading your article on homeschooling and public schools.

I think your point(s) regarding public school are true, but incomplete. You present the positive points specifically and yet make one vague reference to the "weaknesses" in public schools (or institutional learning in general).

Your article would have more validity if you did one of 2 things:

1) Made the article pro-public school, only.
2) Were more informed regarding the reality of homeschooling families, lifestyles and academic environments.

Homeschoolers are a diverse, educated, passionate, vibrant group. The diversity is growing each year. The amount of resources, academic and extracurricular, available to homeschoolers is very large.

Your perception of the isolated, text book driven homeschool doesn't reflect the reality of how homeschoolers educate.

If you want to be against something, at least be familiar with and accurate about that thing.

Your article neglected to mention, specifically, some of the valid reasons to homeschool:

1) Academics - homeschooled children consistently perform above average on national tests.

2) Academics - homeschooling families by definition provide a teacher/student ratio that is not available in institutional schools.

3) Academics - your article spoke of "learning styles". While teachers are familiar with them, I know that applying that knowledge to a room full of children is challenging. Homeschooling parents are also familiar with learning styles and have the time, flexibility and resources to organize the environment around them.

4) Socialization - the socialization that occurs in public schools has become the norm, but it's not proven to be the best socialization vehicle for children. There are many flaws and areas of concern regarding large groups of children functioning with minimal supervision. Bullying, teasing, drugs, alcohol are some of the more serious risks. However, the risks in using public school as a socialization vehicle are not limited to that list.

5) God - Not incorporating God into a lifestyle for 8 hours a day *is* a lifestyle. Not saying anything says volumes.

2003-01-06T20:06:00.000-08:00

What I wrote on a message board recently:

I was asked in a respectful private email why I didn't think 5, 6 or 7 year olds were too old to nurse. I said I'd rather reply *here* so that it could be intelligently discussed. I realize, of course, that I am powerless over enforcing adherence to that adjective. ;)

Just so you know, my oldest weaned at 6. My dd at 5. My youngest is still nursing. He will be 4 in February.

I think asking the "too old" question is the wrong question. It assumes there *is* a point at which nursing is no longer acceptable. It belies our cultural assumption that "extended" nursing isn't normal. It's certainly not (western) cultural, but biologically, it's normal.

So, to me, the question isn't "at what age is too old?" but what is the process of weaning?

A mother in a (western) culture chosing extended nursing would typically be well read, researched and likely to be very in tune with her child.

By the time my first older nursling reached "older" ages (even within AP circles), I had settled into knowing that I was the expert on my child.

I watched the nursing reflect accurately our lives. Stressful times brought more requests for nursing. I noticed, too, that my mother's heart would not only continue to honor his need for nursing, but would lead me when it was time to change the nursing frequency or duration.

I trusted his ability to wean and mine to read those cues.

Nursing an older child is fun, cuddly and cozy. IMO, and IME, it has no drawbacks for mom or child. (with the obvious exception of blatant hostility of under-informed people)

My older nurslings dropped nursing sessions as the weeks, months and years went by. At a certain point with each child, I intuitively limited the nursing. The nursing limits started early with "polite" nursing requests. They came later with gentle night weaning. They came again when my children's behavior confirmed my intuition that it was time to set a new boundary.

By the time my oldest weaned, he was skipping several days in a row. We agreed to be "done" by mutual consent.

When my dd weaned, she told me one night that I was "going to read her a book" every night instead of nurse because she was "done".

"Weaning" means to ripen. The ripening of a child is a gradual, beautiful process. Another definition includes "being fulfilled".

I hesitate to include the following, but I think it's honest. There are cases where extended nursing becomes laden with dysfunction. That's not because the nursing is dysfunctional, but because there is something wrong with the mother. I've seen permissiveness in families and when permissiveness is present, the nursing relationship is subject to it. There are moms who define themselves by their mothering choices. EN in those cases becomes *the point*. EN isn't *the point*. Honoring a child's needs is *the point*.

There is a recent public example of EN that concerns me. Unfortunately, the EN gets the press but is not the issue. It's just a place for the issue to manifest.

I won't put an "age" on acceptable. I trust a healthy mother and child relationship to flourish with nursing being a part of their bond; not defining it but reflecting it.

2003-01-05T16:51:00.000-08:00

I'm FAMOUS!

Okay, not exactly famous. But, I wrote a columnist to compliment him on his commentary. He had commented on a Q&A on nightime parenting and breastfeeding.

He read my discipline site, linked it and wrote complementary commentary to my text.

Awesome!

2002-12-22T20:53:00.000-08:00

EXTENDED NURSING REFERENCE IN MOTION PICTURE

There is an extended nursing reference in the movie About Schmidt. The character played by Kathy Bates talks about nursing her son until 5. She mentions "raised eyebrows" and then offers "I just say 'Look how he has turned out'". Then the camera cuts to him, now grown. The implication is that he's not quite right. :/

I'm not sure if the mention of EN in this regard (or similar ones) helps to normalize EN or helps to entrench the myths and stereotypes. :(

Click on the movie link and trailer to see the clip.

2002-12-12T19:21:00.000-08:00

Jokes, anyone?

Andrew: Why didn't the pirates see the movie?

Mom: I don't know, why?

Andrew: Because it was rated "aRRrrr".

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Larsen: Why was one octopus different?

Mom: I don't know, why?

Larsen: Because one had 6 legs.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Mom: Cameron, what are you doing?

Cameron: I'm spiderman. {Cameron has scaled the door, using the door knob as his leverage starting point) Cameron doesn't "do" jokes. He is just funny.

2002-12-10T15:29:00.000-08:00

This is a terribly unoriginal post.......

But I've just returned from shopping. I'm saddened at the irony common in this season. No matter how you celebrate Christmas and the concurrent celebrations, it's supposed to be a season of joy.

And yet we as a culture are frenzied, cross and at times downright mean.

A woman today used a tone with my son Andrew (who, incidentally, wasn't doing anything wrong) that was completely unacceptable.

The good news is I made a vow *right then* that I would do all I can to NEVER sound like that to my family, friends and strangers.

2002-12-05T13:16:00.000-08:00

Might as well start with this:

Judge takes away parental rights. As a mother who nurses(d) her children way past toddlerhood, I have an abiding interest in this case. I don't really know enough about it to comment specifically, but I can say that I would *never* have had my nursing older boy on Good Morning America. My children do not have to carry the burden of my cause(s) or agendas. I realize how counter-cultural my choices are and as such, I take the responsibility of those choices in a culture often hostile to and threatened by them. Additionally, the child in question is in public school. On that basis alone, I would not go nationally public in order to normalize "extended" nursing.

I don't like that term, btw, "extended". It implies force or coercion. I'm not sure what the word should be, but "extended" doesn't cut it. Biological? Natural? Normal?

Anyway, about this case and EN....

I recently wrote this to a private list I am on:

If there is deep dysfunction going on in a family unit, that dyfunction is pervasive. It doesn't discriminate or chose what areas to manifest. That means it will show up in discipline (or lack of), food, routines, attention, school. It will show up in religion, church and spiritual practices. It *will* show up in the breastfeeding relationship, co-sleeping, etc.

Extended nursing and co-sleeping are wonderful things. But, they are vulnerable to dysfunctional elements, just like anything else.

**Of course** those things are healthy and wonderful in a healthy overal context. But in a dysfunctional home, those things would also be affected by the problems.

Alternative choices (as deeply as I believe in them) are not immune simply because they are so right.

Food, routines, sleep, discipline, play, time and energy are all very important aspects to family life. Each one of them can be perverted by toxic behavior - that doesn't invalidate the need for them.

I can't comment specifically on this case. I can say that I noticed a red flag or two that has made me less than eager to rally behind her in the name of normalizing nursing older children.